The Need to be Bold

I was once bold.  I was talking to my oldest today, who is nearly 8 and is fascinated by WWII planes.  I asked him if he wanted to be a pilot someday, and he shook his head, no, he wanted to design and build planes.  That's bold.  I told him that at 8 I wanted to be the first woman President, to be on the cover of Time Magazine (which he'd never heard of), and to be an astronaut.  He was stunned.  How could a mom be so bold and focused?  He knows me as the mom who naps in the afternoon, who lets them play video games while I surf the web, who pushes him to read three grade levels ahead and bemoans our school's lack of challenging math programs.  He doesn't realize I have three degrees, that I'm nearly a CPA, that I balance home, children, marriage, part-time work, search for a full-time job, caring for an elderly father, studying, soccer/karate/baseball practice and.... drum roll please, being cub master of his cub scout pack.  I do a lot, in addition to two loads of laundry hand dried each day, keeping up the wood stove, cooking three meals, and trying to get him ready for his first communion.

Yet I still feel like I am letting myself, and my family down.  I have tasks that have dried up on the vine, they are so old, yet they must be done.  I haven't exercised in months, not even a walk around the block. I never get ahead, am always late, and am the queen of procrastination.  And my favorite habit, if you didn't guess it?  Berating and belittling myself.

What happened to that bold 8 year old?  She went off to the Ivy League and in spite of some terrible personal losses, garnered the Wall Street internship, phenomenal grades, and ultimately a terrific job with a huge company.  Then somewhere amidst marriage, house, and children, I lost focus.  I lost intensity, and I definitely lost my energy.

I've lost my mojo!  (bad reference to old 90's movies).  Seriously - that's not depression, that's just a lack of boldness.  I want to be bold again.  To take risks, to push myself, to achieve.  But it's as if I have forgotten how.  I am lost in the deluge of life and just getting through the day is a miracle unto itself.

I don't know where to begin.  It's like when I go to Target or IKEA.  I go with great anticipation, and then I find myself mired in the aisles, wondering where to find throw blankets, and what was it I really needed to get?  I am lost in the possibilities.

Perhaps that is what I'm facing now - losing myself in the possibilities, and never just committing and being BOLD.  I know what I need to do - to pick one thing - just one, and knock it off.  Then a second, then a third.  But it's hard to stay focused - not just on the task, but on this world.  It is a muscle that has atrophied, and I'm not sure how to get it back.

So how's that slump coming, slugger?

Maybe it's the slightly longer days, or that it's been three days without snow falling, but I keep thinking of spring, and of baseball.  Mind you, I'm not a jock, I don't follow any major league sports, and could care less about baseball.  Except that my husband was a great baseball player, and oldest has shown little interest in the sport.  But I digress.

The fabulous schedule I laid out in my previous post was printed, put into my to-do binder, and is now collecting dust.  Monday, I tried to write down all of the stuff that I do in an effort to feel better about the stuff I don't get done.  Tuesday, I did make a little headway on a huge project that is months overdue.  And yesterday, I finally got a job application finished.  Three months late.  Let's not go there.

Part of me wants to understand why I am in this slump.  Part of me doesn't really care and wants to just get moving again.  Typical to my scattered brain, I am once again reading about five different books at once.  One suggests that being happy is all about choosing to be happy.  Another says I am too analytical (I am, but I'm not sure that's changeable).  A third says I should have a mad, passionate affair with George Clooney (kidding - it's fiction but it is about mad passionate affairs).  While I would love to have a mad affair with Mr. Clooney, I don't think that is a. feasible, b. reasonable, c. an option.  Sorry, George.

What do I feel I need?  Time, and money.  Time to spend enjoying my kids instead of running around like a banshee.  Money, so my husband and I don't need to run around like banshees just to make the mortgage payment and save up for the orthodontia bills that are looming.  A job would be good too - but that's an entirely other post.  Sleep would be helpful, as would sex.

But the reality is, the only way I can de-slump is by putting one foot in front of the other and trying to make today a good day.  

Getting motivated

When a baseball player has trouble at bat, they call it a slump.  I've been in quite a slump for some time, and I'm not sure how to get out of it.  I've been reading articles about motivation, trying to think positive thoughts, but it's not working.  So the only thing I know left to do is to set a schedule (simple) and stick to it.

7:30 get up (soon to move to 7 as I want to squeeze in a workout).  Make coffee, check school lists, make lunches, make breakfast, get oldest out to bus.

8:30 beds and upstairs tidying.  Put away laundry, tidy rooms

9:30 coffee and to-do's for the day.  Focus on making progress on one long-term to-do, completing one annoying to-do, and getting a third done.  Plan day, plan dinner.

10:30 reading time and snuggles with my youngest

11:15-11:30 catch bus with youngest

11:30 Make a pot of tea and start on to-do's.

12:30 break for lunch and walk if it's not snowing or nasty

1 leave for work if M/W, otherwise do course prep and to-do's

2 break and relax if not M/W, otherwise work

3 get snack ready and sneak in a few to do's on non-workdays

3:30 boys home from school, spend 30 minutes with them with snack, talk about day, unpack backpacks, etc.

4:15 home from work on M/W.  Finish up some to-do's

5 start dinner, 5:30 dinner time, dishes, clean kitchen.

6:30 help oldest with homework

7 family reading time/bath/bedtime

8 finish list for day, wrap up and prep for next day.  Start laundry and hang on indoor line, stoke wood stove

9 read and then bed by 10:30.

I'm going to try it for one week.  The only thing that's been working for me lately is I've dropped 22 pounds on Weight Watchers, and if I can do that, I can do this.  I used to be highly motivated, but now the slightest disruption sends me off.  THIS I can and will do, at least for this week.  Wish me luck!