I was once bold. I was talking to my oldest today, who is nearly 8 and is fascinated by WWII planes. I asked him if he wanted to be a pilot someday, and he shook his head, no, he wanted to design and build planes. That's bold. I told him that at 8 I wanted to be the first woman President, to be on the cover of Time Magazine (which he'd never heard of), and to be an astronaut. He was stunned. How could a mom be so bold and focused? He knows me as the mom who naps in the afternoon, who lets them play video games while I surf the web, who pushes him to read three grade levels ahead and bemoans our school's lack of challenging math programs. He doesn't realize I have three degrees, that I'm nearly a CPA, that I balance home, children, marriage, part-time work, search for a full-time job, caring for an elderly father, studying, soccer/karate/baseball practice and.... drum roll please, being cub master of his cub scout pack. I do a lot, in addition to two loads of laundry hand dried each day, keeping up the wood stove, cooking three meals, and trying to get him ready for his first communion.
Yet I still feel like I am letting myself, and my family down. I have tasks that have dried up on the vine, they are so old, yet they must be done. I haven't exercised in months, not even a walk around the block. I never get ahead, am always late, and am the queen of procrastination. And my favorite habit, if you didn't guess it? Berating and belittling myself.
What happened to that bold 8 year old? She went off to the Ivy League and in spite of some terrible personal losses, garnered the Wall Street internship, phenomenal grades, and ultimately a terrific job with a huge company. Then somewhere amidst marriage, house, and children, I lost focus. I lost intensity, and I definitely lost my energy.
I've lost my mojo! (bad reference to old 90's movies). Seriously - that's not depression, that's just a lack of boldness. I want to be bold again. To take risks, to push myself, to achieve. But it's as if I have forgotten how. I am lost in the deluge of life and just getting through the day is a miracle unto itself.
I don't know where to begin. It's like when I go to Target or IKEA. I go with great anticipation, and then I find myself mired in the aisles, wondering where to find throw blankets, and what was it I really needed to get? I am lost in the possibilities.
Perhaps that is what I'm facing now - losing myself in the possibilities, and never just committing and being BOLD. I know what I need to do - to pick one thing - just one, and knock it off. Then a second, then a third. But it's hard to stay focused - not just on the task, but on this world. It is a muscle that has atrophied, and I'm not sure how to get it back.
Yet I still feel like I am letting myself, and my family down. I have tasks that have dried up on the vine, they are so old, yet they must be done. I haven't exercised in months, not even a walk around the block. I never get ahead, am always late, and am the queen of procrastination. And my favorite habit, if you didn't guess it? Berating and belittling myself.
What happened to that bold 8 year old? She went off to the Ivy League and in spite of some terrible personal losses, garnered the Wall Street internship, phenomenal grades, and ultimately a terrific job with a huge company. Then somewhere amidst marriage, house, and children, I lost focus. I lost intensity, and I definitely lost my energy.
I've lost my mojo! (bad reference to old 90's movies). Seriously - that's not depression, that's just a lack of boldness. I want to be bold again. To take risks, to push myself, to achieve. But it's as if I have forgotten how. I am lost in the deluge of life and just getting through the day is a miracle unto itself.
I don't know where to begin. It's like when I go to Target or IKEA. I go with great anticipation, and then I find myself mired in the aisles, wondering where to find throw blankets, and what was it I really needed to get? I am lost in the possibilities.
Perhaps that is what I'm facing now - losing myself in the possibilities, and never just committing and being BOLD. I know what I need to do - to pick one thing - just one, and knock it off. Then a second, then a third. But it's hard to stay focused - not just on the task, but on this world. It is a muscle that has atrophied, and I'm not sure how to get it back.
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