I've been thinking about this rut my life is in. Correction - this rut I PUT my life in. The last time I was truly, consistently happy was when my oldest was 1, about 6 years ago. Then we started upon a hectic, non-stop, path which we've been unable to get off. A huge part of that is me. I can't seem to let something be. Every time we start to slow down, I throw something else into the mix that is time-consuming and exhausting.
Today I found myself in bed for the second day in a row due to a cold, and it was snowing out. Two weeks ago, I also spent a few days in bed for a head cold, and oh yeah, we had a massive snowstorm that dumped over 20" overnight.
I can't seem to get ahead, and yet at the same time, I'm so exhausted I don't really want to do much of anything. I'm literally spinning in my own tracks and I have a feeling God is watching, laughing at me (in a loving way, of course). It's like how my dog entertains himself by chasing his own tail. Isn't that what I am doing too? I start to get organized, I start to make changes, and then all of that gets thrown away because something else comes up. I can't seem to gain any traction.
I'm tired of being reactive all of the time, of not having a game plan. But even when I was young and single, I was still reactive - I didn't really steer my career much, I just made the most of the opportunities I was given. I've never been good at envisioning two or three steps ahead; it's why I suck at chess. I'm a smart girl - so why can't I get things together?
Today I found myself in bed for the second day in a row due to a cold, and it was snowing out. Two weeks ago, I also spent a few days in bed for a head cold, and oh yeah, we had a massive snowstorm that dumped over 20" overnight.
I can't seem to get ahead, and yet at the same time, I'm so exhausted I don't really want to do much of anything. I'm literally spinning in my own tracks and I have a feeling God is watching, laughing at me (in a loving way, of course). It's like how my dog entertains himself by chasing his own tail. Isn't that what I am doing too? I start to get organized, I start to make changes, and then all of that gets thrown away because something else comes up. I can't seem to gain any traction.
I'm tired of being reactive all of the time, of not having a game plan. But even when I was young and single, I was still reactive - I didn't really steer my career much, I just made the most of the opportunities I was given. I've never been good at envisioning two or three steps ahead; it's why I suck at chess. I'm a smart girl - so why can't I get things together?
No comments:
Post a Comment